R&B

I’m awkward. I’m black.

1. I’m awkward.  

It’s true. Just ask my husband. Sometimes I just don’t know what to say. Like the time I was presenting a microphone award trophy (who came up with that name, anyway?!!) to my grandmother. At the time, I didn’t know it was called a microphone award trophy. No one did! So, I’m standing on stage saying how much I appreciate my grandmother and how deserving she is of this……this…

I stood there trying to figure out what to call this thing I was presenting to her. It wasn’t an award. She hadn’t won anything. It wasn’t a trophy. It was more like a token of appreciation, but that didn’t come to mind either. So, like a 3 year old I said,

“Come get your presentation, Grandma.” 

I still shudder at the thought. If I could have vanished into thin air, I would have. I can hear the audience members whispering to one another, “Did she graduate high school?”

Awkward. 

Sometimes I run down the hall and hide so I don’t have to say bye to my boss (for the 2nd time). I mean, we just said goodbye two minutes ago. Do we have to acknowledge each other again?

And, sometimes I just avoid people altogether. I have nothing to say. Please don’t make me be awkward! 

2. I’m black. 

Ok. So, you probably knew I was black. But, I get the feeling that you don’t know how black I really am. (Are you feeling awkward? Me, too.)

One day, I saw a tweet about an online series called The Mis-Adventures of Awkward Black Girl. This show has a lot of foul language and is extremely ghetto. And, YES, I still love it. I love it because it’s REAL. It’s FUNNY! And, it’s BLACK! But, I mostly love it because it feels a bit taboo. If some of the people I hang with heard me rapping about booty shorts and saying the “n” word, they’d probably douse me with some Holy water and/or erase my number on the way home. Sometimes I wonder if being black is even socially acceptable anymore? Or was it ever? Do you ever get tired of monitoring your slang just to fit in? Sometimes I just want to be loud..just because! (Maybe I’m rebelling???) My husband and I joke about that all of the time. We say, “What would they think if they really knew us?” And, we’re the kids that got teased during school for being too white!! We call it “living the double life.”

I’m not suggesting that anyone would ever mistake me for a white person (except maybe on the phone), but what I’m trying to say is that I’ve learned how to modify my behavior to fit in. And, sometimes I just want to be my authentic self….BLACK.

Check out Issa Rae’s The Mis-Adventures of Awkward Black Girl and tell me what you think!

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8 thoughts on “I’m awkward. I’m black.

  1. I relate to this a lot. I’m awkward and not black but I’m Latina and sometimes it feels as if I have too different personalities.

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      • Maybe I was exaggerating a little but as a Latina there are some things that I say and do that some of my Americans friends don’t get and vice versa with my family and their friends so I have to act a little different depending who I am around. I don’t know if that makes sense.

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      • Haha! Re-reading my question makes it seem like you are bi-polar! Sorry! I understood what you meant in the beginning, I just wanted to know more.

        And, yes, that makes perfect sense! My family just moved to Guam a year ago. We’re with Filipinos, Chamorrors, Koreans, Hawaiians, and Caucasians. All of the blacks are military (which means we don’t have access to them). Bummer! So, how we relate to others is ALWAYS changing!

        When we see a black person, we immediately become excited! The best way I can explain it is this: I had a best friend years ago and being with her was so different from being with other friends. She knew so much about my history, my struggle, my goals, etc. She got me! And, I didn’t have to explain myself the way I would with other friends. It was just a natural vibe. Does that make sense?

        Thanks for sharing your story, Diane! It helped me to express mine better!

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      • Thank you for that. I really appreciate it. It helps to know I’m not the only one to feel this way.

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